There is a reality that all parents need to be fully aware of…..and is that, in this day and age, adolescents get a “bad press”. In this blog post, I will discuss with you five tips for parents of teenagers on how to deal with the challenge of raising them.
Background
Often times I hear some parents making comments about their teenager children qualifying them as irresponsible, spoiled, and selfish.
Well, let me remind you that teenagers are just people who are in formation. They are not a finished “product”, as they are going through life growing, learning, and developing. Essentially, they are “under construction”.
Believe me when I tell you that it is not easy to be a teenager. The fact is that there are many changes that they are going through. These changes are physical, cognitive, and emotional in nature.
The adolescents today, like children, are the result of how a society values childhood and their upbringing within a family. As parents we want children and teenagers to grow and mature being obedient, courteous, and respectful, exhibiting a sound set of values.
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Challenges
Conflicts raising children and adolescents are inevitable. There are inevitable conflicts that will put the spotlight on the talents, patience, and tolerance of the parents.
In those instances when conflicts seems to get out of control, especially for teenagers that are not being homeschooled, the parents have to rely on the teachers. That is why they need parents and educators who, in the face of such situations, can act in a calm and determined manner.
The following books contain ideas and tips for parents of teenagers that will allow them to look at this topic from various angles:
Before I share my own list of five tips for parents to deal with teenagers, listen to what Dr. Paul Jenkins have to say on the subject. He is a clinical psychologist specializing in the science and practice of positivity. Special thanks and credit for this video go to Mr. Nate Woodbury (Be The Hero Studios YouTube Channel). In this episode of Hero TV, Paul Jenkins provides a simple framework that we can use to become great parents to a teenager:
Here Are My Five Tips For Parents:
1. Talk to Your Teenager While Remaining Calm
My first of the tips for parents of teenagers is to try to be calm. This is of particular importance when they have to talk with their teenage children to address a situation. Sometimes it will take some time to get to that state (minutes, hours, or even days).
The fact is that when we are upset (and teenagers are professionals in getting their parents or teachers crazy) we say things that we don’t mean. These things that we say help very little to resolve the situation.
When the children are out of control they need parents that are in control parents because if we get out of control too, who will teach them? Who will show the children how to face the conflictive situations?
2. Be Firm
My second of the tips for the parents of teenagers is: firmness. By this I mean that what parents say they are going to do, they must do. Sometimes because of tiredness, comfort, fear of offending, or just we want to give “another opportunity”, we do not do what we have told our teenager that we were going to do.
The big problem with this is that our children are smart, they know this and use it to their own advantage. Remember that to be firm you have to have peace of mind.
3. Both Parents Need To Be In The “Same Sheet of Music”
The third of the tips for the parents of teenagers is that both, the mother and the father, have to operate in full concert and agreement. They should not contradict themselves. Remember that teenagers have a Master’s Degree in “throwing their parents into fight against each other”.
Once that happens, they are in control. Balance, stability, firmness, and coordination, always with love, helps to avoid this situation.
4. Be Careful With Your Choice of Words
The fourth of the tips for the parents of teenagers is: Pay close attention to the words you chose when addressing your children. There are some phrases we should avoid. Try not to say “you’re making my life bitter and miserable”.
As parents our job is to raise them in a loving environment and not to humiliate them or make them lose their self esteem. Try not to say: “There you have the door, but if you leave do not come back”, this is very typical of frustrated parents, who believe that this type of attitude shows who is in command.
Do not tell them, “You have no idea what life is about”, because the fact is that nobody has any idea about that. In essence, what we have as parents are years of life lived and that can not be taught, that can only be lived.
Try not to say “As you continue like this you will fail”. One thing for sure, this phrase only scares the one who says it. Have you noticed that after having an argument or disagreement with your teenager, he sleeps his minimum 8 hours, like “true professional” and yet you, as the parent, is the one awake all night?
In summary, do not say anything with disinterest, with reluctance, with anger, or sounding defeated.
5. Focus On The Lessons Learned And Not The Behavior
My fifth and last tips for parents of teenagers is to focus on what you, as a parent, will do to teach your teenager and not on their behavior. It is true that some teenagers require a lot of attention that could be construed as “headaches”.
I recommend that you be mindful of your parenting style and how it may be affecting the relationship with your teen. I invite you to read my blog post titled: “Parenting Styles Psychology”. In this article I provide you some recommendations on how to apply the most reasonable and objective style for your particular situation.
Also, I invite you to check the comprehensive information about parenting teens found in the Focus on the Family web site.
With all of the above information considered, my advice to you parents is to persevere in teaching, educating, and loving your teenager.
Conclusion
Raising teenagers has to be done based on love, trust, and mutual respect. While conflicts are inevitable, there are steps we can take to be proactive.
By remaining calm while talking to them, being firm, avoiding contradiction between parents, and being careful with our choice of words, we can stand on a solid ground to deal with the situation.
How do you deal with your teenager? What has worked for you? What has not? I would love to hear any lessons-learned that you may have!
