What kind of parent am I? I am sure that those of us who have been blessed to have children has taken a moment to ponder this question. That is where parenting styles psychology comes into play to help us understand ourselves.
Every parent, at some point, has asked himself these two questions: In raising my children, am I doing it right? Am I making the right decisions?
The fact is that children do not come with an instruction book. With a few exceptions, in “learning” the basics of raising children, nobody really teaches us to be parents. Therefore, the “parenting education” comes from our own upbringing and the examples of what we experienced with our parents, family, or the people around us.
Some people educate their children as they were educated, others apply theories they have read in magazines and books. There are those who receive advice from a mother, father, mother or father-in-law, neighbor or cousin.
However, these are doubts that I am sure everyone facing the challenge of being a parent has had at one point or another. The upbringing of a child is complex and requires effort, dedication, and commitment.
The transmission of values and the development of their conscience is important. In the process of doing this, it is not only critical what is taught, but it is also important how it is transmitted.
Before I go any further on this topic, let me recommend that you consider reading the following books to give you a good foundation about family virtues and the approach to decisive parenting:
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Or you can get it at Scepter Publishers here: Family Virtues: A Guide to Effective Parenting
Or you can get it at Scepter Publishers here: Decisive Parenting Forming Authentic Freedom in Your Children
Introduction
In this blog post, I would like to propose to you a simple meditation exercise regarding parenting styles psychology. Pause for a moment and spend a few minutes thinking about the kind of parent you think you are or what parent you want to be.
While you think about this, let me take a moment to show you the different psychological parenting styles and their effects on children. Then, I am going to share with you some thoughts about positive parenting.
These are based on love, mutual respect, and the development of trust in a parent-children relationship.
What is your parenting style?
There are four types of basic parenting styles defined in psychology. These styles are:
- Authoritarian
- Negligent
- Permissive
- Democratic
The criteria to determine these styles are based on the type of relationship and communication that is used with the children.
The normal approach is not to subscribe to a single style for all the phases of raising the children. Instead, the key is to use all styles throughout the upbringing of your child.
By this, I mean that you will talk to your child differently depending on how tired you are, how angry you are or how in a hurry or press in time you are for a particular circumstance.
The key is to recognize the style that you use most often. That will help you lean on those skills and areas where you are good. Doing it in that way, you will be in the best position possible to lay a good foundation for your child’s development.
Let’s look at these styles in more detail:
1. Authoritarian Parents
Taking into consideration parenting styles psychology definitions, authoritarian parents are those who say things like: “Because I say so, period!”
They usually resort to yelling or threats to get their children to obey.
This parenting or upbringing style is characterized by:
- Exercising excessive (often over-the-top) control over the children.
- Establishing high expectations and be over demanding in its fulfillment.
- Imposing rules without explaining the reasons and enforcing them using punishment.
- Showing little affection with children (almost never give hugs or take the time to talk to them about their feelings).
- Being reluctant to consider the opinions of their children.
Children raised by parents over exerting this style will:
- Be submissive following the rules without questioning them, no matter from where or from whom they come from.
- Have difficulties making their own decisions, because they will be more concerned about doing well for their parent, than about doing it as they would like.
- Exhibit low self-esteem and dependency problems.
- Be more vulnerable to stress and anxiety.
This parenting style generates a lot of discomforts. It is impossible to create a healthy and strong bond between parents and children. Therefore, this style of upbringing is the least recommended.
What can you do to change the parenting style? Here are some guidelines:
- Talk about your emotions in front of your children.
- Make an effort to show affection by hugging and kissing them, as well as taking time to play with them. More important than anything else is to tell your children that you love them.
- Encourage a positive dialogue, where you can listen to their opinions and take them into account.
- Apply the rules with firmness, respect, and understanding.
- Adjust your expectations to yours, as well as their development.
- If you need to “punish” your children, take it as a teaching moment, emphasizing a virtue to educate them in an aspect of life.
- Focus on the consequences instead of the punishments itself to enforce the rules.
2. Negligent Parents
In parenting styles psychology, negligent parents are absent parents. They make an effort to not take part in raising their children. Parents exhibiting this style dedicate little time to being with them.
They offload the responsibility of educating their children on other figures such as grandparents or teachers.
An example of a reprimand from a negligent parent would be: “What are you doing! Do not bother me, go to your room.”
I am sure that on some occasion, you said to your children: “Do not bother anymore.” Among other things, fatigue, problems at work or with other family members, and children demanding attention often make us lose our patience.
The issue here is not that on some occasion or another we slipped and fail to control our temper or actions. The problem comes when we make this our mode of daily operation or when it becomes our usual and habitual style.
The most notable characteristics of this type of parents is that they:
- Do not establish discipline or clear rules. This is because they do not get involved in the education of their children.
- Promote and foster a disorganized environment.
- Do not provide emotional support to the child.
- Blame others for the misbehavior of their children. The typical comment they make is: “they do not teach children anything at school nowadays”.
- Ignore the needs that their children have for affection. Often they try to cover or replace these needs with material goods.
Children raised by parents over exerting this style:
- Are impulsive.
- Do not respect the rules.
- Are often involved in conflicts and discussions.
- Have low self-esteem and little empathy.
- Have low academic performance.
- Feel that their parents do not like them, even though it is not so.
- Try to attract the attention of their parent by their negative behaviors.
As you see, raising children based on an absent parenting style is not the most desired.
What can you do to change the parenting style?
- Make a strong effort to show affection to your children.
- Show that you value their opinions and perspective on things by giving credit to what they have to say.
- Get involved in their lives without being intrusive and respecting their space.
Spend quality time with your children.
Doing the above will form the basis for fostering a secure bond, which helps the child to grow feeling loved and appreciated.
3. Permissive Parents
In parenting styles psychology these are parents who find it difficult to enforce the rules. In the majority of the cases, they end up yielding to the children’s crying and tantrums.
For example, the child is told to take a shower so that the family can have dinner. At that point, the child throws a tantrum because he/she does not want to shower.
The reaction of a permissive parent would be to give in and say: “Well, it is ok. You can leave it for later. After all, I don’t believe that anything will happen if you don’t take a shower now or even if you leave it for tomorrow.”
Think about it. In this scenario, the child “wins” the battle of not taking a shower and learns that he can get what he wants when he wants.
Some psychologists argue that this style is the one that parents exhibit the most. Perhaps it is because of the fear of becoming authoritarian parents.
On the other hand, it may be because they do not know how to deal with the tantrums of the little ones. Either way, one thing is true, not establishing clear and consistent rules makes fertile ground to many problems for the children.
These type of parents are characterized by:
- Being very affectionate with the children. They are very attentive to the needs of children and care about their emotional states.
- Not setting clear norms, rules and giving details about what things should not be done at all.
- Being flexible or lenient with punishments in case of non-compliance with the rules.
- Causing a disorganized environment in the house.
- Showing or exercising very few measures of control in particular situations.
I will be the first one to tell you that at some point, I have acted like this. How about you?
My tendency to be excessively permissive it to avoid confrontations, figure out a way to end the tantrum of the child soon and return the home to a calm environment.
Think for a moment that if we exhibit this style with our young children, what would happen when they are in their teen or as young adults?
Therefore, we need to be sensitive to the effects of this parenting style.
Psychologists have determined that this type of parenting fosters the development of children that:
- Are Impulsive, dominant and rebellious.
- Show little ability to persist in tasks that require effort and determination.
- Do not follow the rules at home or at school.
- Become little bullies.
- Have low self-esteem and a low tolerance for frustration.
What can you do to change the parenting style?
- Set limits and establish the consequences of non-compliance with the rules or the tasks being asked.
- Establish some basic criteria for order with clear expectations.
- Be loving, caring, and understanding, but with firm determination.
The results of your effort will result in children that feel safe, loved, respected, and understood.
The children also acquire norms of coexistence with other family members and those around them. Lastly, and perhaps more important, they learn core values, such as consideration of others, responsibility, restraint, as well as respect and esteem.
Please, keep in mind that this type of parenting manifests it self more when dealing with teenagers. I invite you to read my blog post titled “5 Tips for Parents of Teenagers”. In it I provide you advice on how to address the challenge of this developmental stage with recommendations and a plan of action.
4. Democratic Parents
They promote the responsibility and autonomy of their children. In the majority of the cases, they set adequate expectations and ensure that they are met. Affection and love for their children are first and foremost.
They make a determined effort to be aware of their children needs without being intrusive. Democratic parents set clear standards and apply adequate punishments based on educational consequences in a consistent and firm manner.
Based on parenting styles psychology, another important trait is that they practice active listening with their children and encourage good communication with them.
As you can see, this style of parenting is very positive and is the most recommended of all.
The democratic parenting style develops children that have:
- Security in themselves.
- Strength in decision making.
- Persistence and determination in achieving your goals.
- Good social relationship skills.
- Values such as empathy, respect, and responsibility.
For example, faced with the normal tantrums of children and the disagreements of teenagers, a parent with this style would say something like:
“I see that you do not like to do this and I understand it. Let’s talk some more about it because I believe that doing it would be best for you.”
The above approach will defuse the tension and overcomes the negative emotion of your child. More importantly, it fosters in the child an attitude change that at the end will serve to establish a strong bond between the parent and the child.
Now that you have a comprehensive idea about the parenting styles and how they affect children. Before I conclude, let me offer you these three books for your consideration:
Or you can get it at Scepter Publishers here: A Guide for Parents and Teachers
Or you can get it at Scepter Publishers here: Compass: A Handbook on Parent Leadership
Conclusion
Democratic parents set in motion the positive parenting style. From the time they are babies, democratic parents form a strong bond with their children.
This bond is so strong that will lay the foundation for good communication between parents and children, as they grow and develop to function in society.
How can you apply positive parenting in your home?
Be an example for your children, one they would want to follow. Children are like sponges that absorb everything.
The best way for them to learn is to see how their parents go about dealing with them and others.
Think about your child’s needs based on parenting styles psychology. Behind every weeping, joy or sadness is something that you want to transmit, an idea you want to emphasize, or a teachable virtue.
Set limits and consequences. Do it with clarity so that the child knows them and can fulfill them.
Keep the channels of communication open, with respect, love, and understanding. Practice active listening.
Teach your children the importance of expressing their feelings and emotions without the need to hurt themselves or others.
For an interesting perspective on the subject, let me share this TED Talk in which Ms. Scout O’Donnell explores the current trends in parenting science from both a sociological perspective and from the point of view of children.
I hope you found this information beneficial and had the opportunity to reflect on it. My goal was to give you some points to help you identify your strengths and make the necessary corrections to improve your weaknesses.
I am sure that taking the time to do this will make you a better parent for your children. At the end this will help you develop and foster happiness in your family. I invite you read my blog post titled: “10 Easy Tips to Help You Have a Happy Family”. In it I go into more details and recommendations about how you can enjoy you family to the fullest.
So, what kind of parent are you? I would love to hear about your own experience. Please, leave me a comment or send me a message.
