Let’s face it, having a child changes your life. In this blog post, I will present to you some thoughts about how to keep true love and a healthy relationship in marriage.
Background
The changes that having children bring, is an aspect of life in the marriage that is very important. It has a deep and intimate meaning, not only on a personal level but also emotionally in your life and that of your spouse.
The arrival of children is often referred to as the first stage in the marriage trajectory of every couple. The difficulty in finding moments for dialogue and intimacy means that conflicts may remain unresolved and could accumulate, leaving only room for resentment and reproach.
Married couples need to make a concerted and determined effort to find time to talk and cultivate their relationship.
The Nature of Conflicts
Conflicts between the spouses usually begin with disagreements regarding the sharing of responsibilities. In general, women consider that they are more in tune with the various responsibilities regarding the children. On the other hand, often times it is difficult for men to identify and/or assume these responsibilities.
Perhaps this is because the changes in routine, time demands, and lack of clear dialog do not provide a suitable environment to discuss roles, responsibilities, and expectations.
Financial concerns, lack of sleep and time to cultivate the relationship due to the increased responsibilities of having children can make us end up neglecting ourselves and test our relationship. This is something that happens more often than it seems in our society today.
Given the above, let me offer some tips and ideas to mitigate the impact that the arrival of children may have on the marriage life:
1. Husband and Wife HAVE to be Engaged
This is the first and most important point. It is essential “that both, the husband and wife, make a dedicated effort and approach the situation with the right mindset. Sometimes the day to day and the routine crush us and we do not stop to try to organize ourselves better to maintain order/control.
With the arrival of children, it is possible to experience a stage in which it is difficult to spend quality time together. It is through a committed and concerted effort by both, husband and wife, that finding time becomes an adventure in growth, rediscovery, and love.
2. Identify and Address The Sources of Conflicts
It is important for the husband and wife to focus on addressing conflicts paying special attention to the solution, instead of just the issue. For the couple treating the conflict with empathy and understanding is key.
Doing that will allow for mutual coordination and actionable execution of a path forward.
3. Distribute Responsibilities Equally
There are tasks associated with the children that take a lot of time. For example, taking them to school, extracurricular activities, birthdays, the doctor/pediatrician, or helping them to do their homework, are tasks that take up a large part of a parent’s day.
These tasks can be very stressful, especially if it is just one of the parents that is taking care of most of them. The reasonable and objective division of tasks is necessary so that certain equity is shared.
4. Husband and Wife Must Take Care of Themselves
It is important to pause, go for a brisk walk or engage in an exercise/physical activity. We are mothers fathers, but we are also individuals living in a society, as well as in a relationship.
It is very important not leave or set aside our lifelong friendships, as well as our personal or professional goals. The same goes for our spiritual lives. We have to maintain a healthy soul and relationship with Our Lord.
It is true that we no longer have as much time as before, but with effort and patience, everything will come together.
5. Focus on the Positives
Something very effective is to highlight positive things that either the husband and wife have done during the week. Then, pick a day of the week, maybe Friday after the children are asleep, to share the feedback.
This can ca another excellent opportunity for a date night. The goal here is to help us focus on the positive aspects of each other.
6. Spend at Least 20 minutes a Day in Conversation
Maintaining the channels of communication open is essential for a healthy marriage. Please, don’t get me wrong, this is not about stopping attending to the children.
Instead, it is about changing the routines and, perhaps having them go to sleep half an hour before, to at least have 20 minutes to share thoughts about our day with our spouse. This is a perfect time to talk about personal and/or couple issues, and not about responsibilities or about children.
The truth is that having an open dialog with our spouse about how we feel and our emotions, facilitate empathy.
7. Establish Healthy Routines
Husband and wife need to pay attention to details. There are certain gestures and actions that at first glance may seem to have no importance.
However, my recommendation, for example, is not to leave the house without saying goodbye with a kiss. Do not arrive home without having greeted each other with a kiss or go to sleep without having kissed good night.
Believe me, these details make a big difference in a marriage.
8. Find Time During the Week for Intimacy
It is important to make time during the week for the husband and wife to enjoy each other company, without children, obligations, or responsibilities.
The objective is to focus on each other and only talk about positive things. This time together helps the husband and wife create a space free of responsibilities, issues, or commitments.
The goal is to only use the time to laugh and rediscover each other. In addition to being parents, we are also a couple, and as such, we must take care of our relationship, both emotionally and taking care of the gift of sexuality that God has given us.
This helps us break down barriers, generate intimacy, and allow for the demonstration of our love for each other.
9. Innovate and Reinvent Each Day
Being a father or mother is a full-time job that could take up a significant number of hours of our day. A good way to strengthen break the routine and strengthen the marriage is to make trips or escapades both alone, without the children.
The idea here is to disconnect as much as possible from all the problems of home and relive your years as a couple without children. It is good to consider trips where you can still maintain the spiritual connection by being selecting places where a church is nearby.
Remember that it is all about achieving the right balance between routine, adventure, and spirituality. This can be challenging, but necessary to return the focus and passion to the marriage.
10. Value And Appreciate The Effort of Your Spouse
The arrival of children demand more mental and physical activity. It is easy to take for granted your spouse’s effort to keep things in order. Take time to show and demonstrate appreciation for all of the tasks that are completed. It is all about the small details that make the difference.
Conclusion
We must remember that we are models and examples for our children. This will help them make decisions on the way they will relate with others in the future and how they will act if they are blessed with a vocation towards marriage.
Therefore, the better the relationship we have with our spouse, the better our children will be in the future.
Have you face any challenges with the arrival of children? What changes have you implemented? I would love to hear what has work for you?
